Infinite Variables
by Gallifrey Immigrant
Summary: The Doctor ponders whether he is still able to keep his loved ones safe with this new form. (Spoilers for the end of audio Circular Time: Spring, and episode Earthshock)


The Doctor closed the door of Nyssa's room and walked out, having finished talking to his sole companion. They had both just finished escaping from an evil Time Lord known as Zero, and his literal flock of bird soldiers. The Doctor grimaced as he brushed off dirt and grime from his beige frock. His previous regeneration didn't really care about cleanliness, often to the consternation of his companions. Romana had often complained about the stray clothes littered about the rooms; the Doctor felt a sad warmth in his hearts at the memory of his former traveling companion. He loved all his companions, no matter their education level—some of his best times had been with a companion who came from a primitive tribe. But he still missed having the rapport that he had shared with the fellow Time Lord. She had instinctively grasped the Doctor's perspective on life, and had the confidence to bite down on his past life's. . .vivaciousness, when he needed to be humbled. It was a relationship that was, in some ways, irreplaceable.

Would the Doctor forget even her, someday? Remembering people from his past lives was like looking through a tinted glass. When Tegan had once asked him what it felt like being his scarfed self, the Doctor said "I won't ever know." Adric was completely confused. But the Doctor really couldn't know. It was like his brain had shifted, and he couldn't even think in terms of being the scarfed man. That's what made regeneration so impactful—a Time Lord, once regenerated, could never reclaim the perspective he had lost. The Doctor certainly could remember it, to a degree, and he was certainly the same man. But the aloof alienness, the ability to randomly surprise people just by being him the extreme generosity with jelly babies, were already fading memories. Now he had new mannerisms. And the regenerations earlier than that were like looking at half-blank incomplete black and white TV episodes. The old man in the junkyard was, to the Doctor, like an old shame; the Doctor's frame cringed every time he remembered his first body's condescending nature. It was like remembering the exploits of a stranger. The Doctor's mind began to darken, as he remembered Susan. Although he honestly would give a regeneration up to see her again,the Doctor knew that, in some ways, he really wouldn't be the same man she knew. Perhaps that's why he never returned to her. Deep in his hearts, he was afraid that the first thing she would say upon looking at him was "You're not my grandfather."

Nyssa didn't seem to mind, though. She, along with Tegan and Adric, had seen the Doctor change drastically. Gone was the older man of action, in was the younger man of, well, a different sort of action. One that involved less jelly babies, certainly. When he first became his current blonde form, the Doctor had been wracked with nervousness about this—would they accept him? Would they prefer the man he used to be? Especially Adric, who had gotten used to the scarfed one. The Doctor knew that such worries were beneath him, and that the scarfed one wouldn't have given a care whether someone accepted him.. .but he no longer was that man. This new form had a vulnerability that his other forms lacked. Occasionally the Doctor wondered whether that vulnerability was really weakness.

Sometimes the Doctor wondered whether it was that weakness that led to Adric's death.

"Doctor, are you okay?"

The Doctor turned to see Nyssa in sleeping clothes. He hadn't even heard the girl walk up to him and realized just how deep in thought he had been. Flashing his companion a smile to quell her concerned face, he said "I'm fine. Shouldn't you be sleeping? We had a long day."

"Oh, I've had worse," laughed Nyssa. As usual, she was being modest—she had seen her whole planet burn. The Doctor tried to remember that however hard he was taken by events, she was dealing with far worse. The Doctor spent many lives leaving his homeworld, but could never imagine the grief caused by losing it. Nyssa lived it everyday. It was enough to make some people cry, but that wasn't Nyssa's way. Nyssa had always had Tegan and Adric to help her with her grief, but neither were exactly good at that sort of thing. The Doctor, if anything, was worse.

The Doctor and Nyssa stared at each other in silence. The Doctor wasn't exactly sure why she was looking at him, and, feeling uncomfortable, trying to remember if he had missed anything. "Nyssa, have I forgotten your birthday?" he said hesitantly.

"What's a birthday?" asked Nyssa honestly.

"Oh. Nevermind," said the Doctor. Yet again, he felt a stab of emotion as he missed Tegan being there to explain things.

"You were thinking about Adric," said Nyssa. It wasn't even a question.

The Doctor immediately opened to deflect the statement, but stared into the piercing eyes of his companion and realized he couldn't. He stared at the floor, searching for the words that would express what was in his hearts. Finally, he stated "I was thinking. . .maybe if I had been the scarfed one—my previous regeneration—maybe I could have saved that boy. Had it been old me, I could have been on that spaceship, and not been. . . ."

"You can't stop every tragedy," said Nyssa quietly.

"Then how can I protect you?" said the Doctor. His hearts were beating faster as he peered into Nyssa'a eyes.

Nyssa looked back into his eyes, and said "I don't know. I can't imagine what it must have been like, being one man and then another. If you had been another man, who knows what would have happened? There's an infinite number of variables that could have been different. You can't account for everything."

The Doctor began to interrupt, but Nyssa shushed him.

Nyssa continued "But I can tell you that when I'm around you, the current you, I've never felt safer. As for the people we've lost, I suppose we can just cherish the memories we have. It's all I have left of..." Nyssa grew silent, and her mouth began to tremble. The Doctor, on impulse, he walked over and embraced her. She quickly returned the embrace.

The Doctor smiled down at Nyssa, and said "Thank you for your kind words."

"Well, that's what friends do, no?" said Nyssa.

"Sometimes I forget to do it myself" said the Doctor, disengaging from the embrace. Grinning, the Doctor said "Now you really need to go to sleep. Tomorrow, we should go somewhere relaxing. I know a coffee place on Arboreen."

Nyssa yawned, and brushed hair out of her face. She really did look tired. Smiling, she said "Goodnight, Doctor." She waved, and walked into her room.

"Good night, Nyssa" said the Doctor. The alien walked leisurely up into his bedroom, his mind feeling significantly lightened. If Nyssa felt comfortable, then he was doing something right. He knew that his last form could be cantankerous at times, and wasn't always best when dealing with grieving individuals. Not every depressed mood could be fixed with a jelly baby. Perhaps that's what this body could excel in:making people feel safe.

Nyssa had made another a good point—he couldn't control all the variables. Some things just had to happen—as a Lord over fixed points in time, he knew this more than a lot of people. To try to control all those pieces would lead either to madness or tyranny. The thought of being that sort of chess-master of made him shudder.

Still, why did the chess pieces tend to end in tragedy. The Doctor honestly hoped that Nyssa wouldn't be one of those tragedies. Resolving to do his best to keep her safe, he fell asleep.


End file.
